Twinkies are coming back.
I’ll wait for the cheering to die down. Or the nausea. Take your pick.
In case you haven’t been keeping up, here’s the short version of what’s going on: Twinkies, the venerable American snack icon and, in a pinch, food, will return to store shelves around mid-July.
You’ll recall they disappeared, along with CupCakes, Fruit Pies, Snoballs, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, Hoo-Hoos, Har-de-Har Hars, Rooty Kazooties, Choco-Bombs, Astros, Tralfazzes and Miscellaneous Pastry-Like Blobs With Whipped Goop Inside.
So now things are retooled and retrenched, and it’s time for what the company is calling “the sweetest comeback in the history of ever,” which I am calling “the dumbest slogan in the history of snack cakes.” For a company that had Twinkie the Kid as a spokesman, that is saying something.
The questions now become:
Is this as big a deal as people are making it out to be?
Did anybody really miss Twinkies THAT much?
Did those people seek professional help?
What’s to become of all the other snack cakes that filled in the shelves while Hostess was on hiatus?
And, finally …
What do I care? I’m not allowed to eat them anyway and was never that fond of them when I could.
Not that I am anti-snack cake. Heavens, no. I make no secret of my fondness for TastyKakes, the Philadelphia confections that are probably as good as a pastry can be when it is placed on a little piece of white cardboard and wrapped in cellophane. The TastyKake brownie is top-of-the line, in case you’re looking for guidance.
But Hostess? Not so much. And I can tell you exactly when I lost my appetite for them: fourth grade.
It was the field trip to the Wonder Bread bakery that marked a rite of passage for every Indianapolis school kid (which, coincidentally, I happened to be at the time). We trooped around the plant watching the bread being made, and somehow, the subject of snack cakes came up. This was of interest to me, since I was on a CupCake kick at the time. My lunchbox was incomplete unless it contained a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, handful of Fritos and one Hostess CupCake.
The person who brought it up was the class brainiac, who wanted to let the bakery people know he was onto their game.
“My Dad told me that the creme filling inside a Twinkie is really just Crisco and sugar,” he announced.
I had to think about that one. I had seen Crisco in the cupboard, of course, but had never heard of it being used as creme filling. So when I got home that afternoon, curiosity got the better of me. I got out the Crisco, the sugar bowl, a spoon, and you can guess the rest. In fact, it’s making me turn slightly green just in the remembering.
So, for those doing the Twinkie Comeback Dance, enjoy. I’ll be sitting out this one. And to those of you who see the Return Of The Twinkie as I do — something that was going to happen sooner or later anyway — I say please pass the TastyKakes.
Oh, wait. I can’t eat those either.
Mike Redmond is an author, journalist, humorist and speaker. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.