After 238 years, the real story can finally be told.
Sure, you’ve long thought our nation’s birth on this date was tied up in tales of tea and taxes and resistance to an aristocracy. After all, that’s what the history books tell us.
The colonists wanted freedom. That much is true.
But it wasn’t King George that had the young Americans’ knickers in a knot. No, it was the games he insisted on playing.
They simply bored the colonists to the point of revolution.
Through the assistance of Bill Belichick’s film crew and the covert cooperation of Donald Sterling’s mistress, we’ve uncovered a secret recording of those proceedings in Independence Hall so many years ago.
Let’s listen in as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock and George Washington plot their revolution.
Jefferson: Hey, Ben. Where have you been? We’re trying to overthrow the most powerful nation on the planet here, and we could use your help.
Franklin: Sorry, guys. I’ve been at another bloody cricket game. Boooring. I think they call it cricket because you can hear them chirping by the time the game is finally over.
Jefferson: Really, what could be sillier than bouncing a little ball and then trying to hit it with a stick.
Franklin: Yeah, and when they finally do, they run around and try to get right back where they started in the first place.
Washington: I cannot tell a lie. That is idiotic.
Hancock: You think that’s bad. What about this rugby thing? A group of grown men run around grabbing one another and trying to get ahold of a strange ball that isn’t even round.
Washington: Ha. And then when someone gets close to catching the guy with the ball, he throws it up in the air and they all run after it.
Jefferson: Is it any wonder those Brits can’t run a country?
Franklin: Ha, good one, Tom. But the game I don’t get is the one where they keep running up down the meadow trying to kick that black-and-white ball into a net. What do they call it, futbol?
Hancock: Oh yes. For the life of me, they never seem to be able to get it into the net. Up and down, up and down, up and down, with nil to show for it. Good golly, an ant would get tired.
Washington: Yes, they say the game is all the rage around the world, but it just doesn’t work on this side of the pond. It’s just not a game we can get our hands on.
Jefferson: Hands on. That’s funny, by George.
Hancock: Listen. Even now, you can hear the Philly fans booing.
Franklin: With all this nonsense, it’s no wonder our friends and neighbors want to break away. If we’re forced to play these games, we’ll never amount to anything.
Jefferson: That’s right. It’s not just about us. We’ve got to think of our kids, too.
Hancock: We can take what they started and make it better.
Washington: Sure, no more bouncing of that cricket ball.
Franklin: How about we take that rugby ball and let the most good-looking guy throw it down the field.
Jefferson: And enough feet. Let’s nail a net on a barn and let players throw the ball into it.
Hancock: Now, we are onto something, gentlemen.
Washington: Sure, we are. We’ve just got to start a little revolution to make it happen.
Jefferson: Great, I’ll write that down.
Franklin: While we are at it, can we get the horses to run the other way at the track.
Hancock: Hey, Ben, our country, our rules.
Bob Johnson is a correspondent for the Daily Journal. His columns appear Tuesdays and Fridays. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.