Consumer magazines a health hazard


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When I read Consumer Reports, I simply want to know whether a certain camera takes a good photo, or whether the dishwasher will effectively clean the dishes even if I leave some of my wife’s baked lasagna on the plate.

Instead, I get a great deal of unnecessary info that I really don’t care much about. Did you know that the camera strap on the Nikon D series is three millimeters thicker than the one on the Olympus TG-820? That the Amana dishwasher has only four rollers on the bottom rack, but a Kenmore has six?

Right now, I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a shampoo and a conditioner. You can only think about so many things.

I didn’t pay much attention to this iconic publication until about 1978 when I was looking for an inexpensive car. I considered the Dodge Horizon, but then I read an article in the magazine that said the vehicle could develop an “oscillatory yaw.” This steered me away from the car, because apparently this problem could steer me into a brick wall. I really didn’t know what those fancy mechanical terms meant, but it sounded like the noise I made when I fell asleep on my back.

There was obviously some connection to cars because when Mary Ellen and I got married I had to sleep in the garage a few nights when my yaw oscillated just a bit too much.

The newest consumer monthly is called Shop Smart ;) and yes, that emoticon is part of the actual title. Honestly, I don’t want the cover of a publication winking at me. Playboy never winked at me, and heaven knows it had good reason. It reminds me of a sign I saw in a supermarket window the other day: “Ground Beef.” Why is that in quotes? It’s really ground beef, isn’t it? Now imagine if the butcher handed the “meat” to you, told you how delish it was … and then he winked.

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