Mary Ellen and I have been happy together for so long that we sometimes forget how much we annoy each other.
So on the trip back home from our recent vacation, it was time to catch up on our bad habits.
For example, I told Mary Ellen that she is a relentless pointer. She points at everything.
“See that pretty house,” she’ll say and then point at it. Or, “Look at that sunset.” (She points, like I don’t know where the sun is.) “Your turn signal is on,” and then she directs her finger at the blinker. Really, is that necessary?
“Dick, I thought you liked it on a vacation when I pointed things out.”
“I do like it when you point things out. I just don’t want you to point at them.”
Then I told her that it drove me nuts that everything we saw, she called “pretty.” Pretty sunsets, pretty mountains, pretty houses, pretty lakes, pretty much everything. Then she gave me a look that pretty much ended that conversation. Except now it was her turn.
“OK, I never really told you this, Dick, but it drives me crazy when we go somewhere to eat, as soon as we sit down, you pretend you have to go to the restroom. What you are really doing is walking around the restaurant inspecting other people’s food. Other than the board of health, who does something so weird?”
“I admit it. When I see it on another person’s plate, I get a better idea whether I should order it. I don’t think that is so odd.”
“That’s not the odd part. It’s asking for a taste that’s a little peculiar. And here’s another thing you do. You are so impatient that after we order you keep looking around to be sure that no one who came in after us is served first.”
“Wait a second. I remember a few years ago we were somewhere and even you were complaining that we were supposed to be next.”
“Dick, you do realize the difference between the emergency room and Applebee’s, right?”
“Anything else, dear?”
“Yes. When you order, you make a dozen substitutions. The other day we went to a pub, and you ordered their signature baked ham sandwich. But instead of ham you wanted corned beef, and instead of mustard you wanted thousand island dressing. Then you substituted sauerkraut for the coleslaw. Why didn’t you just order a Reuben?”
“I don’t like Reubens.”
“And, finally, as soon as we are served, the first thing you do is ask if you can taste my dinner.”
“Now wait a second, that isn’t so unusual.”
“It is when we’ve ordered the same thing.”
As we made our way back home through Michigan, Mary Ellen and I placed a little wager on who could go the longest without lapsing into one of our annoying habits. When we exited the highway toward a quaint little town, Mary Ellen abruptly sat on her hands and said, “Oh Dick. Look at that pr … pr … cute little café on your right. Let’s eat there.”
Mary Ellen thought the lunch was fabulous, but I couldn’t say. You see, I really wanted to win that bet, so I stayed in the car.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to email@example.com.