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Column: Holiday gifts you never knew you wished for

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Happy holidays, everyone.

I know we’re still two months away from Santa’s visit, but no one told my mailman, or the companies that already have sent me over a dozen catalogs with gift-giving ideas.

Can you guess which of the following items are legit and which ones I made up? Read on, to find out.

Remote-control candles: What a dreamy idea. Instead of an aromatic wax candle to set a romantic mood, you dig around in the sofa cushions looking for a remote to click on the artificial illumination. The ad says the LED lights last 100,000 hours, which is more snuggling than I had in mind for the rest of my life.

“No Poop” sign: This nifty lawn ornament is a large silhouette of a dog leaving a deposit on your front lawn. The word NO is printed in big gold letters on the squatting canine, a warning to people walking their pooches that your grass area is off limits for their pets’ daily business. Of course, since dogs can’t read, the sign makes Rover think this is exactly the place he’s supposed to go.

Double-barreled marshmallow crossbow: Completely harmless, unless marshmallows are toasted and contain a hot sticky center. Not recommended at airport checkpoints or diabetes support group meetings.

The talking measuring cup: Yes, a chatty measuring device, the perfect gift for men who refuse to follow directions in the car or when preparing a recipe. As you mix ingredients, a female voice informs you how much flour, milk or water you have added and when to stop. It’s the same woman’s voice as your GPS. What if you add way too much salt by mistake? “Recalculating, recalculating … add three more pounds of ground beef.”

The six-foot-tall teddy bear: This lifelike stuffed bear is the perfect gift for any child, unless he or she just watched a story on the news about a lone hiker in Yosemite National Park who was mauled by a grizzly.

Seashell toilet seats: Easy to attach, this decorative commode replacement has preserved sea creatures embedded inside the Plexiglas frame. And what’s more comforting than the very thought that your bare bottom is about to make contact with shells, seahorses and starfish?

The remote-control tarantula: Perfect for bullies, sadists, and practical jokers with absolutely no sense of decency. Comes in black, jet black, ebony and midnight blue.

Dog dung vacuum: Why carry a little plastic bag that could weigh as much as half an ounce and cost close to a nickel, when for $200 you can tote the Dog Dung Vacuum, which is the size of a leaf blower? The manufacturer says that after you use it, it stores unobtrusively in the hall closet, but neighbors who see you in their yard will tell the cops you were walking your toy poodle armed with an assault weapon.

Hands-free hair regenerator: This device fits over your cranium and then zaps you with rejuvenating lasers, because if there’s one thing that will make hair grow (claims the manufacturer), it’s a little photo-bio-stimulation. The device is 100 percent hands-free, which allows you to scratch your head, wondering why you blew $700 on this ridiculous item.

Guess what? These are all actual products. Maybe you’ll get lucky Christmas morning.

Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal.

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