The 2014 summer edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog arrived in the mail the other day, just in time for Christmas (or was it too late for Christmas?) All great stuff for me — not to buy, of course, but to make fun of. For example:
Fold-away adult bunk beds: This is the perfect gift for ex-cons who simply want to create the homey and secure feeling of being in the slammer. Those living alone will be able to choose either top or bottom without resorting to using a shiv to make a convincing argument.
Instant badminton court: What better way to get rid of unwanted guests than to suddenly exclaim: How about a game of badminton? You can set up a full-size court in three minutes replete with racquets and whatever those things are you hit over the net. Invited to a party at someone else’s house? The handy carrying case allows you to ruin anyone’s get-together at the drop of a hat. Or whatever that thing is you hit over the net.
Sandless beach mat: This is a giant blanket made out of two sheets of polyurethane that has thousands of holes so that by merely lifting the first layer, the sand can sift through, making your seashore experience sand-free, which is every beach lover’s dream. (It is?) Hammacher Schlemmer says this technology was developed by the military for desert operations and involved some highly technical research. My guess is that some scientist thought of this idea when his wife made him clean the kitty litter.
Mosquito thwarting camp shirt: Is the pocket protector not doing the trick? Are the wing tip shoes not drawing enough attention? Has the bow tie failed to establish you as a nerd? Fear not! How about the Mosquito Thwarting Camp Shirt? It looks like a regular short-sleeve shirt, but just when you think it’s time for the sleeves to call it quits, there’s another foot or two of mosquito netting that extends to your wrists. In the photo, it looks like the guy is wearing a see-through negligee on his forearms. Do the ladies find it sexy? One woman commented on a consumer website: If you want me to be smitten, I’d rather you got bitten.
Fescue flip-flops: No, Fescue was not a character on the Beverly Hillbillies. These are flip-flops where the inner sole is made of artificial turf so that when you saunter down the street, you feel like you are walking barefoot in the park. Hey, I have a better idea: make a flip-flop with the artificial grass on the outer sole so that you can feel like you are walking on artificial turf with your shoes on. I need to go on “Shark Tank.”
Four-bottle beer glass: Here’s a fun item for men. It’s a pilsner glass that holds four bottles of your favorite brew. It looks like a giant see-through Borg-Warner Trophy. What a cute idea — a way to appease your spouse who has told you to cut your beer guzzling down to one glass a day. Yes, if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s a wife with a sense of humor about your drinking problem.
Nighttime arthritis pain-relieving gloves: These gloves exert a gentle pressure on your hands, facilitating blood flow, reducing swelling and improving mobility. For seniors still eager for a little action, it’s the perfect gift for a fledgling romance. And every señorita knows the allure of little black gloves. The description cautions that before ordering your size, you should measure your hand around your gnarly knuckles first. Sexy, huh?
I still have six more items to make fun of.
Maybe next week.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.