By Dick Wolfsie
Men can’t gift wrap presents. They don’t know how. They don’t want to learn. And it annoys them when they watch women do it so effortlessly.
The few men who do know how to wrap gifts certainly won’t admit to it. It’s like if the guy you go bowling with knows how to bake cookies, that would be the kind of thing you discover by accident. “Whoa! Sorry to barge in on you, Chuck. When Marge said you were in the kitchen, I figured you were downing a six-pack.”
Christmas morning, everybody knows which gifts dad wrapped. In fact, it is a pretty universal notion that if the ends of the package are crumbled up like a big spit ball, it’s a present from dear ol’ Dad. If the package is wrapped in aluminum foil, it’s a gift from Pop. If a package reveals that not enough wrapping paper was taken from the roll to cover the whole box … gee, who could that be from?
This year, I was really committed to learning how to gift wrap, so I went to YouTube for visual proof that a man could accomplish this. I tried several search entries with no luck:
MAN WRAPPING A GIFT
MALE WRAPPING A PRESENT
GUYS WHO KNOW HOW TO WRAP A GIFT
When my search proved fruitless, I simply entered:
HOW TO GIFT WRAP
Results showing men doing the task? Exactly two. The first one was a video of a Japanese man demonstrating his ancient secret wrapping technique, which is quite amazing to watch. No one else has ever wrapped a gift with this method. I bet this guy can solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. And maybe even fold a fitted sheet.
Then there are clips of a scene from the movie “Love, Actually,” where the great Alan Rickman watches the fastidious sales clerk (Rowan Atkinson) as he takes F…O…R…E…V…E…R to gift wrap the necklace that Rickman has purchased. Into the gift box go cinnamon sticks, flower petals and some glitter. He wasn’t wrapping the gift, he was romancing it. All done with a flourish as Rickman squirms — as any man would.
While you’re looking for that movie clip, search for:
A WOMAN CHANGING THE OIL IN HER CAR
WOMEN BUILDING PORCH DECKS
FEMALES HERDING CATTLE
In all three of those cases, there are dozens of videos. Then search for MEN KNITTING or MALES QUILTING. There are loads of examples. But men wrapping gifts? Just those two.
Just how much do men hate this chore? Have you ever seen males at a gift counter hoarding the items that come pre-wrapped?
“Is that a gift for your wife?” I asked a friend in line at Kohl’s.
“Yes. It’s either a compact umbrella, or maybe a coffee mug or emergency flashlight. I dunno. Who cares? It’s already gift-wrapped.”
I always have tried to buy my wife big gifts. I don’t mean big in the sense of expensive. I don’t mean big in the sense of memorable. I mean BIG. Why? Because when you give a big gift, it’s OK to not wrap it. A new patio grill? Not what Mary Ellen wanted, but at least I could just throw a red ribbon and bow over it. SURPRISE!
This year, Mary Ellen has agreed to wrap the holiday presents I bought for her. Uh oh, she’s calling for me, so I better go help. I think her blindfold fell off.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to email@example.com.