This is part two of my favorite Hammacher Schlemmer offerings during the past 10 years. Many are still available in their unique gift catalog. So, for the person who has everything (or really doesn’t care what he gets), consider one of these necessities:
The Best Talking Scale: This device speaks English, Spanish, Greek and Croatian. The good news is that the weight reading is very accurate. The bad news is that it starts with a joke: “One at a time, please,” which apparently is still funny in Croatia.
Instant pickleball set
This game sets up in the yard in minutes. It combines the skills required for badminton, table tennis and regular tennis. I think we can all agree that when we want spur-of-the-moment enjoyment, the first thing we think of is combining three sports we are bad at. By the way, the national pickleball champion has been accused of deflating the balls in competitions. In pickleball, this is just not kosher.
Shark bait sleeping bag
Your kids feel safe and secure in their bedrooms and are finally sleeping nightmare-free. Why not surprise them with a life-size shark sleeping bag? The brochure’s photo shows a toddler snuggled inside the bag with only his head sticking out of the shark’s mouth. According to Hammacher Schlemmer, this neat gift “devours children with shark-induced slumber.” Soothing, huh? But there’s more: “It facilitates restful sleep even while the child is being digested.” My suggestion is to wait and buy this on Craigslist for one-tenth the price on Dec. 26.
Fold-away bunk beds
This is the perfect gift for parents who are preparing their teenagers for life in a penitentiary. Hammacher Schlemmer claims it can be put together and taken apart without tools, which is important since there are no screwdrivers and hammers available in maximum security. The manufacturer says the beds are guaranteed for life, so don’t waste this set on a kid who only aspires to petty larceny.
Spinning Spaghetti Fork
Are you tired of driving to Olive Garden and paying $12 for an entree only to have to actually twirl the spaghetti on your fork yourself? The spinning fork has “a thumb activated button that turns the device at 22 rpm … and it fits neatly in your mouth without creating a mess.” This is the exact same copy as on the next page about their electric toothbrush, which is $75 more expensive. So buy the fork. You’re welcome.
The Wine Glass Holder
I really want one of these. (I hope my wife is reading this column.) This device allows you to hang your filled wine glass around your neck, leaving your two hands free to stuff tiny quiches and pigs in a blanket in your mouth while talking on a cellphone or checking for text messages. Also great for horses that enjoy Chablis.
The Selfie Toaster
Here’s how it works. After you send a photo of yourself to the manufacturer, they mail you a customized heating insert that embeds your likeness onto the toasted bread. Many women returned the item, claiming they looked old and wrinkled, but that’s because they were using English muffins.
Happy holidays to all!
