By Dick Wolfsie
Lately I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror, concerned that the years have taken a toll on me and that I have aged quite a bit.
My wife says I’m crazy, and to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear very elfish. (I hope she meant selfish. My ears were the only part of my face that I thought hadn’t aged.)
Now when I shave, I tilt my head down to look at my receding hairline. For a long time, people asked me if I was losing my hair, but I knew exactly where it was. It wasn’t lost; it was in the sink drain. About 25 years ago, I had a hair transplant, which is sort of like what happens when someone dies.
“He’s gone to a better place,” friends will say. That’s the same with my hair. I don’t have more hair, but what I had, the doctor put in a better place.
While examining my new signs of aging, I noticed a chin I had not been aware of before. Even though I’ve lost weight, those extra chins are very stubborn. I was pretty happy with the two I already had.
This reminded me of a story I wrote many years ago about an item I saw advertised, called “The Miracle Neck Slimmer.” Was it a scam? The manufacturer guarantees a 68 percent reduction in neck wrinkles. I have achieved similar results by simply slinging my head back and looking straight up at the ceiling. Unfortunately, the results are only temporary, and I have slammed into several doors while practicing the technique, but it does work. Well, I think it works. It’s hard to look in the mirror in that position.
The gadget looks like one of those slap-and-chop thingies you pound with the palm of your hand to pulverize a Vidalia onion. With the Miracle Neck Slimmer, you place the apparatus under your chin, then bob your head up and down like a bobble-head doll. Springs in the device create tension. It’s like your neck and chin are getting a good workout on a tiny Stairmaster. You can see why I was hooked.
The enclosed DVD gives you precise directions for how to properly jog your skull to and fro. It looked to me like someone auditioning to be a back-up for the San Diego chicken mascot. They also throw in an accelerator cream. I think it’s an anti-aging lotion, but it could be a lubricant to make your head go faster.
In the unlikely event you have resisted their sales pitch, they offer you a second Miracle Neck Slimmer for free. I had assumed that no matter how many chins I had, one device would be enough. Their website suggested the additional Slimmer would make an excellent gift to give to your spouse.
Gee, what could go wrong with that idea? “Mary Ellen, you know those luscious little neck wrinkles you have? Well, for just $19.95 plus shipping and handling…”
At least it would be easier to see my extra chins, because I’d have my head handed to me.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.