Because I am a man of certain, ahem, vintage, I notice that I am undergoing certain changes with regard to the production of hair.
Simply put, the less of it I have on my head, the more of it I seem to have other places.
Of these, the most disturbing would be a) the nostrils and b) the ears. Why? Because copious amounts of nostril and ear hair are the hallmarks of a condition I call Creepy Old Manhood, and it ain’t pretty. You look like something from a Harry Potter movie. Or think back to your kidhood. Who among us was not grossed out by the great tufts of hair festooning Great Uncle Leon’s nose and ears?
Well, anyway, here I am, turning into Great Uncle Leon, and not liking it one bit. I have rainforests coming out of my ears, and I don’t even want to get into the nostril thing. Except that’s the point of my story.
For most of my life I have used trimmers to groom the offending areas, and not without success, but in looking for a better solution to the problem have turned to waxing. And therein lies a tale.
Did you know you can buy home nostril waxing kits? Well, you can. And I did. The thing arrived, and I opened it up. Inside I found a tub of wax, some Popsicle sticks, and a handful of plastic things that were designed to put the blobs of wax in the appropriate place.
I’ll admit I was a little apprehensive about the idea of yanking out my nose hair with wax. But I was also into the project for about 18 bucks. That’s enough of an investment for me to get past my trepidation.
So I heated the wax in the microwave and prepared to thin the thicket, as it were. I tested the wax to make sure it was the right temperature by putting a little on the inside of my forearm. It seemed OK to me.
Taking a breath, I gathered up a blob of wax on one of the special applicators and placed it into my right nostril.
This is where I learned that the inside of your nose feels heat very differently from the inside of your forearm. In a word: Ow.
I then waited 90 seconds for the wax to set. This was ample time for me to look into the mirror and laugh so hard at the sight of myself with a stick in my nose that I almost blew it out and had to start over again.
At long last, time was up. It was the moment of truth. I took hold of the stick with a confident grip, counted three, and yanked. And immediately learned that the hairs of one’s right nostril are directly connected to the tear ducts of both eyes.
As for the wax … let’s just say it did its job, and I kind of wish I hadn’t looked at it. Even through my tears I could tell that this was something that did not bear close inspection. And I wanted nothing more to do with it. There are some jobs best left to the professionals.
And I still had one nostril to go.
Still do, in fact. Now excuse me while I find my trimmers.