Touching the funny bone with a single quotation

What makes great one-liners?

They are often wonderful insights, plays on words or misdirections in thinking. Below are just a few of my favorites that I collected last year. Some are far older, but they were new to me and made me smile. I hope they do the same for you. Think of it as a belated Christmas gift. Next week you have to read my jokes.

(Note: when I know whose line it is, I give proper credit. Using other people’s jokes is not unheard of. After all, that’s how I got this column written.)

I told people I wanted to be a comic when I grew up. They laughed at me. They’re not laughing now. (Bob Monkhouse)

Who invented that toilet next to the toilet? That thing really hurts.

My boyfriend and I are having a problem. He wants to get married. And I don’t want him to.

My parents were here for a long visit. I took them to the airport today. The plane leaves next Thursday. (Margaret Smith)

I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.

I really like my stepladder. But someday I’d like to meet my real ladder.

A Buddhist went up to hot dog vender and said, “Make me one with everything.”

At the hotel, I asked for a wake-up call at 6:30 a.m. The phone rang and the clerk said, “You’re a loser, quit wasting your life.” (Demetri Martin)

I was a ballerina, but I quit when I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine. (Rita Rudner)

When people ask me how I am getting to the airport, I say, “Well, I’m flying to one of them.” (Steven Wright)

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Two lions are walking through a supermarket. “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, “Oh, I guess I’ll have champagne.” I said, “Guess again.” (Slappy White)

I didn’t want to go to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I’ve gained like a 100 pounds.

I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me. (Emo Philips)

I intend to live forever. So far so good. (Steven Wright)

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If I’m the best man at a wedding, why is she marrying him? (Seinfeld)

I make the beds, do the dishes and the laundry. Six months later, I have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)

I finally met Mr. Right. I didn’t know is first name was Always. (Rita Rudner)

If it wasn’t for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us. (Eric Morecambe)

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street and asked if I had a minute for cancer research. I said, “Sure, but we won’t get much done.”

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And so do monkeys, if they have a gun. (Eddie Izzard)

I went to the dentist and he said, “Say aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog just died.”

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. (Ken Dodd)

I don’t care what the newspapers say about me, as long as they don’t tell the truth. (Katherine Hepburn)

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Gandhi)