Hark! Do you hear sleigh bells in the distance?

Indeed, it is I, Santa Bob, here to help you with last-minute shopping for your favorite sports fans.

Skip the traditional athletics apparel and hats; you need something more original. Besides, those suggest that the recipient might actually engage in some type of physical activity.

You should know better. This is time of year when true fans hibernate in their sports caves, feasting on a buffet of college football bowl games featuring teams from outside Indiana, NFL games that become increasingly significant, college basketball contests that start to get serious and the fourth quarter of select NBA tilts. There’s even time for hockey and WWE on the split screen.

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How can your favorite fan take it all in? It is a challenge, too much for some rookies. That is why I am here to help.

Let’s narrow down the top gifts for the sedentary sports fan. That means no treadmill and certainly no yoga mat. The only six-pack this fan is after comes with pop tops.

Only new and novel gifts for our fan. A beer helmet is so 2013, as is one of those referee dolls to throw at the TV. (However, both are suitable for 2014 regifting to an in-law.)

Here’s what your favorite fan’s Fan Cave needs this holiday season:

C3 Rover Remote Controlled

Beverage Cooler

Sure, the beer helmet was a great convenience, but what happens when you run empty? No true fan wants to actually get up and lumber to the refrigerator for a refill. Now, you don’t have to.

This cooler, stocked with up to 30 beverages and ice, comes to you. Better yet, it is outfitted in your favorite school colors. The Razorback looks like a little hog scooting across the floor on its humanitarian mission. For you reckless drivers, the manufacturer claims the cooler to be “impact-resistant.” At $330, you may want to call your insurance agent.

Automatic BBQ Grill

Cleaning Robot

You’ve got to eat sometime, and sports fans like nothing better than burning big chunks of meat between games. This robot takes care of the prep work for you, traversing your own gridiron with its three scrubbing brushes behind the brains of a “sophisticated computer system.”

Huddler Comfy Throw

As the winter winds blows, you’ll stay warm for the big game in your NFL-branded Comfy Throw, a giant fleece football blanket with arms. Your favorite 300-pound lineman will look like a teddy bear in this officially licensed 48-by-71-inch blanket with sleeves. Huddle or cuddle, the choice is yours.

Amazingly, these are not yet sold out. So run — don’t walk — to your nearest Comfy retailer. Just don’t trip, and please don’t let the neighbors see you.

NFL Ugly Sweater

Hey, don’t let Christmas have all the fun when it comes to hideous fashion. For only $50, you can get a perfectly ridiculous looking sweater to celebrate the season. With bright blocks of logos and geometric patterns in gaudy team colors, you’ll always be able to find this in the back of your closet. Note to Colts’ fans: Indy’s colors are just too plain; opt for the teal and orange of Miami or the maroon and gold of the Washington.

Scoreboard wall clock

This end zone fixture displays the time, temperature, month and day in a digital display surrounded by your team’s colors. This is especially perfect for fans of losing teams. The home team score is the hour and the visitor is minutes, thus assuring your school of being behind most of the day.

Chris Paul Remote Control Helicopter

Everyone needs something to do while waiting on the fourth quarter of an NBA game. Distract yourself with this aircraft bedecked in Paul’s No. 3 L.A. Clippers jersey. Dive-bomb your friends. Chase the dog. Better yet, try to land on the remote control cooler like it’s an aircraft carrier.

Toilet Tattoo

Big Ten fans outside Ohio, are you conflicted about the Buckeyes’ trip to football’s final four? Happy for the conference but find it tough to cheer wholeheartedly? You need the Toilet Tattoo toilet seat cover.

Sure, on one hand it shows you are “behind” the Buckeyes, but the word tattoo is still taboo in Columbus. What do you really mean? It’s a perfect gift for the passive-aggressive Michigan fan.

New England Patriots Toilet Tissue

This gift leaves little doubt where you sit regarding the evil Pats and their mad genius coach. Subtle it is not, right down to the “New England Paid Idiots” on each sheet. At $12 a roll (single ply), you’ll want to save this for a special occasion (also available in “Green Bay Slackers” and “Dallas Cow Pies”).